Living In a Swift Kontiki Motorhome - My Story

swift kontiki motorhome

Living In A Motorhome - Forget The House, Poll Tax, Water Rates and TV License... I'm Off!

My 2013 Diary is Here


22nd January 2012

New New - New Life...

I wasn't going to write anymore of the blog.I was thinking It kinda goes against what the blog is about really in some respect and as I no longer own a Motorhome and live in a flat ( albeit temporary ) it didn't seem right to write it. The problem is ...Is this blog about living in a Motorhome or about me? So many have emailed asking "What's happening? " " What you doing? " " When are you going to buy another Motorhome? " and in a lot of cases asking questions like " What's happening with Michelle? " and how's "Lordy getting on with his Jacuzzi" and I ain't making those up they are 100 % true, ( somebody asked me about Lordy's Jacuzzi) so I'm going to write the blog for a while and hopefully I will get another Motorhome and we will be back on the right track ! If people find it boring then I will stop.

New years eve I spent down in Wales but not the part of Wales I intended. Remember when I was up in Caernarfon,( North Wales) wonderful place and I enjoyed every minute I was there, and one night while I was in the good old Cafi Roc night club I met a woman called Christine, nothing happened blah blah blah but we swapped Facebook stuff and we have been happily swapping the odd Facebook moment for the last 6 months. Now....A week before New Year I thought right..I can't really go to the South of France like I did last year with Michelle as I don't have a bird to take and to be honest if you do go there you want one that's really tasty not average so..I thought right lets go somewhere else how about Caernarfon? Great idea so I message off Christine and propose I come up, ( no pressure on a relationship or anything I'm happy to sleep on the sofa and just have a laugh ) and she says yes that's possible she will arrange it and they ( her gang ) are off out into town then a friends party etc and I'm invited so happy days!!

I'm thinking bit of a trek direct from London to North Wales so I head off in the porker and go to Milky's girlfriends place first in Maerdy ( South Wales ) 2 days before New year. Arrive and have a pint with Milky and then after a couple of messages with Christine I get this message " Had a thought about New year and I don't want to be a notch on your bed post so I don't think its a good idea you should come" what the fuck? I just driven 200 miles to South Wales and was gonna drive another 4 hours tomorrow! What a bitch, no idea what was happening with her but to do this to somebody the eve of New Years eve is a real pisser. Suffice to say I spent New years eve in Maerdy which was well average indeed but there was a twist. Milky decided to split up with is girlfriend that night!! Who the fuck splits up with somebody on New Years eve? And... I was sleeping on her sofa! I couldn't get out of the place quick enough in the morning, like a jack rabbit I was

Had a lot of viewings on my London flat. Its in Walthamstow not the greatest of places in the world but its cheap. Very multi cultural, full of Polish , Turks, Indians, Pakistanis and the odd English bloke...But its alright. Haart estate agent kinda priced it up a bit wrong to be honest at £215,000 which is silly money, so I got hem to drop it to £205,000 and I've got a deal with someone!! A Scottish women and her Dr boyfriend, took 200k in the end but I think its a good deal. Hopefully in about 8 weeks time I would have sold and have the money in the bank ( not all that amount ) but a decent whack, then I can decide exactly where and what I want to do with my life including a Motorhome!

Met with Michelle while I was travelling down to Wales and she ( I must admit ) is looking stunning, blonde curly hair , a little bit more weight lovely. but over a quick pint ( and it was a bloody quick pint ) she says oh I've met someone!? Met him on the Internet 44 blah blah blah. Later on I get a Facebook pic of the lovely couple together at a do. Blimey!!!! He looks older than me! I'm miles better good looking! Anyway best of luck to her. She's a lovely girl, mesmerising pretty but she's damaged goods ( Sorry Shelley but that's what you say to me!)

Work is not to bad. At least there is some coming in.Plus the prospect list is looking pretty good with a couple of decent size jobs if they come off. I don't intend to waste my house sale money so will need these to invest in my next Motorhome. Sadly I have decided that the porker will need to go soon. I need to get into the real world of cars and I'm looking for something ultra economical, especially if I invest in some property in Wales and driving up and down will be costly, ( well in the Porker it will be, plus its gonna need welding and currently has no handbrake!) hence I'm looking for something cool like a Mini Diesel, something like 60 -70 miles to the gallon. Hey there's only me at the mo so I don't need anything big or flash.Perfect.

Talking of Minis the last one I was in belonged to Penny, remember Penny beautiful blonde Sheffield lass, ( Benidorm) well I've actually been speaking to her lately, yeh nice, as I effed it up a bit the last time I was there so you never know, I'm at a crossroads, she's at a crossroads.....something may happen. Other than that the women department is a bit slow but...Its out of choice to be honest, not short of offers but want to make the right choice.

Silly bits ....Yes Lordy still has his Jacuzzi ( with full sky), Golf is zero, too bloody cold to play, Some woman in a pub recently said I was the best looking bloke in there ( shame she wasn't the best looking bird..) One of Milky's female acquaintances accused me of pushing her (in the same pub) late at night and was gonna lay me out lol!). My lovely daughter Elsa was 14 recently and I've bought a great new phone!!

Stuff the Iphone, stick it up your Apple ass. Fed up with the thing so I bought an HTC Sensation Xl nice big screen, android smart phone and I bought it on the 3 network for a reason. Remember I bought a 3 dongle so I can access the internet, well I don't need it now the Sensation has a app that turns the phone into a wireless router so you can access the Internet with your laptop through it. Simply turn on the app, open your laptop wireless, join that network that the app creates and bingo you are on the Internet and Christ its super fast, and I mean fast. Perfect solution if you are Motorhoming and need Internet access on the go. The other feature which I love is the flash light app. click on this and a super bright light fills the room, so wished I had had this in my Motorhome, even now in my flat double bedroom its so bright I can read a book. perfect Motorhome night light.

Lastly I'm in the ditch the lager mood again. I've got my abs machine back out and I'm serious about sorting out the gut. ( New Year serious ) lets see how it goes...


rib boat ride london


1st April 2012

Gone from writing weekly blogs to bi monthly! Thanks to all the guys for emailing me with your kind words and putting stuff in the guest book, its much appreciated.

Ok so what's been happening? I've eventually sold the flat, ok its kinda sold I should exchange contracts tomorrow, so looking forward to having the cash in the bank in about 10 days , will be nice!! These sales don't half drag on though, god solicitors live in the past, nowadays we have email, bacs, SMS, Internet everything and what do these muppets do? They still post stuff back and forth to each other and expect it to get there the next day, the delays have been a joke, and considering my buyers arn't selling and I'm not buying even more of a joke. Anyway hopefully all we be done soon.

So could be homeless in 10 days time but here's the plan for the new living arrangements! Remember the park that I spent quite a few nights at in Sewardstone rd in Chingford, well I've finally done something positive and bought a static caravan! Absolutely ideal, like 20 minutes from where I used to live, beautiful place, 46 static's and about 70 pitches set in acres of lovely land. Your own parking, and gated security brilliant. So what have I bought? A 35ft x 12 ft van, 3 bedroom, fully fitted kitchen, huge lounge and fitted bathroom.

Now here's the best bit , I originally contacted the site a few months ago and was told I could get a static pitch that was being vacated and would need to spend about £18000 to £20000 on a van which I was kinda prepared to spend and then...a phone call. "..Paul, come and see us we have something that might interest you, a guy has split up with his girlfriend and he needs to sell his van super quick" so I head up there with Lordy to see all about it. There it was 35x12 van and in quite reasonable nick, needed a bit of a clean, but defiantly all there, even got 2 big black leather sofas in the lounge. The guy is originally looking for 10k and guess what ....we got it for 6!  6 grand for a 2003 van !! So there it is! That's my new London base ! Now the site is open 11 months of the year, closes for all of  Feb but that's no big deal its perfect. The ground rent is £2200 a year ( £50 a week perfect ) and of course there no poll tax etc. Electric is on a meter ( and its dirt cheap ) and the gas is through 57kg bottles . No central heating in this van, but as Mark the site manager says you don't need it, electric is so cheap , heating the van that way is much more effective. Gonna take some snaps and post my progress with it.

Of course having a static doesn't mean that I won't bother with a motorhome, would still love to get one, and will, just wont be living in it 24/7 . Gonna be ideal I reckon, static home, motorhome, old porker and a bike!. In fact I' ve actually sold the old scooter, knocked it out yesterday, paid £690 a year ago for it and sold it for £600 and without an mot or tax! so was a result. although thinking about it I'm gonna need another one for any new motorhome!

Took a long weekend off 4 weeks ago and went to .....Benidorm with Milky!! had 4 nights and was brill. Work was getting me down a bit and needed a distraction and you don't get distracted anymore than Benidorm. Christ we had a laugh, it was non stop beer and birds, Milky used to call us the magnets! There's a great rough old place called the Black Chicken a karaoke bar absolute mad in there it is and we used to go almost every day, they have this great photo machine on the wall, and one day we did non stop photos with a bunch of girls was mayhem , they get put up on line and are so funny when you get back home and view them. If you are inquisitive in any way here's the link but be warned  they are somewhat raunchy !   make your way to the 10th March ( little magnifying glass left hand side ) and simply start clicking next !!

Other things happening, the golf season has started ( for competitions ) played Weds got 31 points played well but alas Milky had 32 and so did Lordy lost another bloody fiver! ( the snottiest golf club I have ever played at, obsessed  strict dress policy complete wxnkers  called Upminster Park) . The porker is kinda falling apart, if it can go wrong it will! couldn't open the boot the day had to drag the clubs out through the door!

Romance department is nil. I'm off the dating sites and just simply looking to meet someone in a pub or club. If it happens it happens, but kinda getting to the point now that a relationship would be nice, keep me sane and stop me from becoming increasingly lonesome!


1st May 2012

Well its all happening! I have finally sold the flat although as I write this those greedy bastards nbmlaw solicitors in Chelmsford have decided to hold on to my rather large amount of money for a few days, their excuse ?? The mortgage company did not confirm the account was closed until 3.50pm and I missed the bank transfer point. Absolute load of shit!! I rang my bank at 12.30pm and they said the account was closed and my balance was zero, the biatch tried to con me up early in the week saying I wont get the money until Monday, and I insisted it was transferred the same day, bastards! All deliberate to keep interest on your money, and a right fucking rude cow she was as well. Stick your complaint in writing she said in a huff, I will you biatch and post it to thousands of other people as well. You pay peanuts you get monkeys! Cheap conveyacing firm, don't go any where near them nbmlaw

So where am I living?  I've bought the van as mentioned in the last month. Real bargain it is, in fact I'm writing from it now. This is my second night, need a few things doing of course can't splash too much cash until I get my money tomorrow but then it will be all systems go. This van is a Cosolt Super 35ft x 12 ft 3 bedroom, although I decided the main bed was far to small for my liking, no tiny but not big enough for me so I've knocked the small bedroom into it to create a nice big master room , so she's now a 2 bedder!. quite straight forward rip out the partition wall, save one internal panel and use it to block the main doorway form the hall way. A few wiring modifications, a couple of new double sockets and a light mod and presto Its ready!! Not been the ideal move as its been absolutely pissing down with rain for the week before I moved in and now I am here , ( What have I done wrong god lol )

Here's some of the major stuff. The idiot that had it prior to me has ripped out the furniture ( don't ask me why? )  I mean the soft furnishings and replaced them with 2 leather sofas, now.. these might be great for some people but not me. I want it to look reasonably original, buy trying to locate replacement fittings has been almost impossible until I came across a caravan forum that suggested a company called Nabru. These guys make self assembly sofas to suit any size any design, so Milky and I headed over to take a look one Friday. Located in Uxbridge just off the A40 they have a reasonable size showroom wit all in place. Really nice gear and I've chosen a 4 seater by 3 seater corner unit that will span the left hand side of the van, similar to what would have been there. Just considering the colour at the moment as I want the carpets replaced through out from this mind numbing grey, to something dark like a luscious red! I will say we looked a right pair of gay boys jumping up and down on them testing out the firm or the soft cushions!

Got a huge list of things to buy and get, one thing on my mind was Brian's Fleetwood Flair Motorhome. Brian is one of the site wardens, and his 1995 28ft Fleetwood is up for sale. Big old thing it is, 6.5 litre Chevvy turbo diesel. downside 12 -13 to the gallon, needs a few things doing to it, but low mileage and they have owned it for over 7 years price?? 8 grand. He thinks is worth about 15k. After a lot of homework I offered him 6, but he turned it down. Looked on Ebay and a lot of these American jobs aren't getting any  bids at all, so the idea and thought was there , but I'm passing on this one. Need to get something smaller and a lot more economical I reckon !

So going in the new static this week is a new TV! a nice big one as well! ( the old witch never liked TV and made me and the kids suffer a 20 inch fucking ancient Toshiba thing ) in fact she still has it, poor kids, Any way nice 42 plasma will be ideal. Got a guy coming to this week to install a satellite dish,  ( I could do this easy but he does the whole of the park and is dirt cheap £40  for the dish and the install ). Now there are several choices here to what you connect the sat to. Freesat or Sky or some foreign stuff.....Or....??? something slightly dodgy! A new world of sat receivers have hit the market powered by the Linux operating system and you can do a million things with them. One of these things or perhaps the number 1 thing is to milk some Sky! True! and below is how you do it.

You can get virtually free sky and I mean sky everything ( films, sky sports Set anta, Espn the lot ) by buying a Dreambox. A Dreambox is a model of Linux sat receiver, there are some similar models like the Blade and Technomate but the Dreambox is deemed to be the best. He's how it all works, first of all you have to understand Sky. Sky sends a small code down to its receivers boxes every several seconds and the box decodes it to show the program, this is why you cannot clone sky cards the code changes to much. So the problem with nicking sky is the card and the codes.

Here's how a Dreambox works...  Essentially all you need to get sky is access to a sky card and the codes. The system for this is called card sharing, if you have a sky system you can essentially share your card using the internet . Here's an explanation ....." In practical terms an original legitimate subscription card can be used in a receiver; then another box that is in another room, or even a thousand miles away, could access the smartcard via the internet' to view channels that the subscription card allows......  The Dreambox access's the card via the internet and receives the codes, decodes them in nano seconds and shows the picture. You can either configure the Dreambox yourself if you are a bit clever or you can buy one pre setup from Ebay, ( normally listed with the words "Free Gift" after them, meaning x amounts of months prescription to the legitimate sky card, simply add a satellite and bingo you have Sky.

I'll let you know how it goes, I'm simply going to use my smart phone for the Internet connection, as there's currently no Internet in the park. The codes that come down are very tiny so you don't need a huge connection

Other things to buy, Vieto heater ( best electric heaters in the world look them up ) a new water heater ( the current one is totally bust ) Murco g111e cost £300. Small Freezer, carpets, pots pans, crockery , towels, and a lot more!

Will post some pics in a few days time for all to see

Other things: Bird department zero, lost again in golf by 1 bloody point to Lordy in the monthly competition the other day so nothing changed there! Porker is just about hanging on in there, had a great night at a boxing event last week Lordy's son won his second fight.

Hope everybody is getting their van prepared for the summer travelling!



thames rib experience


20th May 2012

I'm firmly moved in to the new van ( car- a-van that is ! ) and I'm loving it. Spent a few quid though, but all for a good cause! Got everything kinda looking good so here's a run down.

Got the van on the cheap as I have mentioned so well lucky, but with cheap comes spend! After a huge clean out, and more than a few bottles of flash I've created a lovely home. The van had been unoccupied for a while so there was some major water leaks, all due to the winter months and freezing cold, in fact this park shuts totally for the whole of February and preparation of your van is mega important something the previous owner could not be bothered with any way.. I get Stuart in to check and repair all the leaks which he does just fine  and then he condemns the water heater ! Oh oh that's £300 quid straight away but needs to be done, and of course I can't use the gas while its faulty. Had the bottom of the van boarded out, a lot of the vans on the site have had this done, makes the van more warmer in the winter, makes it look a hell of a lot nicer and provides some secure storage to. Cost for this £575 but well worth it if you have the money.

Interior wise lots happening, the previous owners have removed the caravan soft furnishings, and the 2 black leather sofas are not to my liking so I've donated these to the caravan park, out they go and a new 300 x 225 corner sofa unit takes their place from Nabru. Great little company this, they do self assembly furniture, which will fit almost anything, tons of shapes tons of fabrics colours real great, but here's one important tip... Get the bastards to put it together for you! £1000 for it and Jesus Christ you need a degree in engineering to put it all together, yes it has instructions but nothing is labelled, nothing is grouped, honestly its a nightmare, I found out afterwards they assemble it for 40 quid, that is money so so worth spending!

Ripped the old shitty carpet up and bought a new one from carpet world, when I say new one I mean new for all the rooms that's 2 bedrooms, the lounge and the hall way, dark bluey grey with some small beige squares, looks the nuts, especially in my bedroom where I knocked the small bedroom through to make it much bigger. In Here I've put in some beech coloured chests of draws and a unit for my MEOS tv, looks really really nice. Ripped out all the old curtains and net curtains as well don't want that old peoples look and bought 200 quid's worth of blinds from Ikea  Bought a load of new stuff for the kitchen, dumped anything that was here and went to Next home and Ikea with my youngest girl to buy all new ( I'm hopeless at doing homes so need female company!!), bought the normal stuff, kettle , toaster, microwave, cutlery, crockery, pots pans, hoover, nik naks, quite amazing how it all adds up !

Entertainment is via my 40 inch Samsung LED TV, ( LED uses  2/3rds the power of a plasma mine uses only 55 watts ) and my Blade box as mentioned in the previous post which is working fine other than the odd glitches every now and then which is the fault of my phone as  you need an internet connection so I'm running it through my HTC but the signal here is not that great. Finally decided to upgrade my laptop, the HP DV2000 I've had for the last 4 years is biting the dust! Such a shame as I adore it , and its been through so much with me but it had to go, a new HP Pavillion takes its place.

Unlike the motorhome the temperature in this static fluctuates very quickly, any sign of the sun and it heats rapidly to the point that within an hour you need to open windows and it ain't even that hot yet, come night time or a cold day and you need to get the heater on, guess winter will be an experience so I'll have to wait and see! Talking of heating I've bought 2 electric heaters done me homework a bit though and came to the following conclusion, fan / convector heaters are a waste of time, oil filled rads are ok for long term heat but the best heater is the Veito Carbon Heater. This is a cracking bit of kit, saw it in my mates Kitchen company one day, gives instant heat, has a remote control, thermostat settings and a timer. Warms the the lounge real good. Also bought a 1.5kw oil rad for my bedroom, I whack it on for a few hours before I go to bed on a timer and its great, totally useless in my lounge though as the lounge is simply to big.

Things to do include putting a shed on the back of the van. Everybody has one some even have 2, the vans are 12 foot wide so you can fit 2 6 footers nicely across the back, most people house their washing machine and tumble dryer there and I will do the same, but at the moment I'm using the laundrette on the park ( very handy and real cheap £3 a wash ). Going to get some garden furniture, when the sun does come out its so nice and my garden area outside and to the rear of my van is massive, will be great to sit out  with a beer and a paper! Actually my "garden" is so big I was practising my golf chipping the other Sunday, was a waste of time though as yet again the monthly golf society game was total shite! Some other bits and pieces to do here and there which I'm sure will keep me going for a while!

There's 46 caravans on this park, when I used to stay here in the motorhome last year I didn't realise it was so big! But its very very friendly. Got nice neighbours to the left of me Sue and Johnny, in their 50's and they swap their time between Spain and here. Other side is Andy a single bloke who plays his music to fucking loud at night, so much so I had to have a word and all as been ok since. a load of us got together the other week to celebrate the home coming of Sue's boy Nick just back from Afghanistan, we had a marquee in the car park and a disco / karaoke which I dj'd, was so so good, and I got to meet most people.

On the personal front things are good, I'm off to Benidorm again in June for the annual boys holiday and this time I have no intentions of coming back and spending 3 days in hospital like last time ! Sensible sleeping, eating and drinking! Although this year I'm not amused, Milky has inivited along his so called " girlfriend" on a lads holiday!! Fucking unbelievable non of us are amused and there's going to be a big pow wow when we get there, and to make it worse she's staying in the same hotel as us, honestly do me a favour. If she's in our room 24/7 I'm gonna have a right paddy, I have visions of her husband turning  up and torching the place while we are sleep ( you guest it she's married, and It turns my stomach over when he goes on and on about "his girlfriend this and his girlfriend that " ) or as me and Lordy's definition of girlfriend  ..." you mean " the married woman you are having an affair with ?" but he refuses to see it, no doubt it will all end in tears but he's totally besotted.

Girlfriend department is nil, not overly bothered to be honest, but it does kinda get lonely and its to easy to stay in, drink beer and watch TV. After Benidorm I'm gonna make an effort, applications on a post card please lol! I'll have to get back on the Internet sites again I suppose, but would so love just to meet somebody in a pub bar etc, lets see how it goes.

Still got the old porker but its gonna need to go soon its falling apart and broke down again the other day. Will have to spend some of my flat cash on a new motor, problem here in the park is that you can't have a motorhome to park, I know it sounds crazy not even a VW, so my little plan of perhaps getting a T4 is slightly flawed so I will have to make some decisions 

Work has been very quiet, although I have just picked some new work up so that's good , problem is when you have money in the bank its to easy to forget about your work situation and the last thing I don't won't to do is to blow all the cash I've made from my flat sale, as I've ear marked this for a house in Wales ( what will be my pension!!, blimey I'm thinking ahead for once in my life !)

I've also decided to take my big bike test! As I've sold the old Piaggio Scooter I'm without 2 wheels and Lordy needs a biking partner to get him out of the house, so I 'm booked in for the DAS course. Just did my CBT Compulsive Basic Training and passed that, got my theory booked in for this Thursday then its 2 modules to do, wish me luck I'll let you know how it goes. 

Lastly it's my birthday on June 24th I'm 50 years young can't believe it , I feel like I'm 20 lol ) Start your present shopping now please !

Promise to load up some pictures in the next few days of 2012 x


26th June 2012

Well the old man is 50! Yep was 50 a few days ago on the 24th, kinda kept it a bit quiet to be honest and couldn't be bothered with a stupid party, that said my twin brother was having one so why not gate crash his and I did. Adrians party was in the local working mans club in Pontnewydd Cwmbran, typical South Wales party starts early at 7.30 and you have to buy your own drinks ! Typical of my brother when questioned he said " Oy I'm bloody putting on a hog roast that bloody costs enough  Get your own drinks " so there you are, not my style but to go with it.

NEW PORKER! that's right, the old white one is falling apart gonna need serious bucks spent on it in a few months time , so a made the decision to buy a new car. Original choice was something sensible , perhaps a mini diesel good miles to the gallon, trendy etc but then Lordy put me in my place one night over a few beers " Taffy what the fuck are you doing buying a car that does a million miles to the gallon when you don't do a million miles? " and he was right. Knickers to it. I thought buy what you like and want, so one night on ebay I clock this S2 944 cabriolet up for sale in Bournemouth and it was looking well cheap. After a good 30 minute conversation on the phone with the owner it appears to be a right gem with proper history the lot, so in the last minute or two of the auction I snatched it for 3 grand. Absolute steal, really nice car goes like shit off a shovel, not every bodies cup of tea with the colour (maroon) but who gives a damn!! All the leather interior, mint carpets, the lot. I'm well pleased with it. The old one ..She's on Ebay this week, be interested to see what she makes

Yamaha Thundercat! Its all go here I'm telling you! I took my big bike test! Passed the CBT, the Theory and hazard perception, module 1 then ..module 2 and bingo !!! The big bike license is mine! whoop whoop!! No point in fanny arseing around, when you have the paperwork you need a bike so again its a late night ebay moment, and there she was... Year 2000 Yamaha Thundercat Sports Tourer in shiny red, 22,000 miles 3 owners , new mot , 6 months tax only £1400, after a 20 minute phone call the guy will take 1200 so I nip down to see it the next day in Lingfield. Great bike , very honest and genuine and a deal is done. Tuesday I'm on the train and in Lingfield at 7 to pick it up !! Brilliant bike, love it, nice and quick for a 600cc, does 130mph ( not done that yet ) super on the fuel 160 miles on 15 quid's worth! best thing I have ever bought. totally ideal for where I am living in the park

Well that's enough of vehicles for now lest see what else has happened....Well I went to Benidorm again for the annual boys holiday back to the Picasso but on this occasion 2 of the boys bought their girlfriends! WTHF...Serioulsy what the fuck?? This is lads holiday, every year the 5 or 6 of us go, we go to the same place the Picasso to see Rick and the others and these Muppets bring a woman?? AND TO MAKE IT WORSE ONE OF THEM IS MY BF MILKY! what the fuck are you thinking, here's the run down.. The holiday was booked last November and then we get a call from Mr B, now Mr B met some bird last year in cafe B and fell head over heals with much so that when he came back he divorced his misses after 25 years, and shacked up with her, he then announces that he's coming on the boys holiday but bringing  xxxxx with him, and he is staying at a different hotel??? what part of boys holiday do you not understand? suffice to say after meeting her last year on a Beni holiday she ain't going to let him go on his own! so...that's Mr B and then this gem...

Milky has met another women, somebody who he has known for quite a few years, and he's hooked up with her constantly over the last few months, well since xxxxxx really, " my girlfriend this my girlfriend that " drives me and Lordy nuts, how the word girlfriend can be used when she's a married woman I don't know, but anyway one glorious day he rings me up and says in sheer excitement " guess what Taffy.. xxxxxxxxx is coming to Benidorm with us and she's going to stay in the same hotel as us" ? WTF? Mate this is a boys holiday we have enough trouble with Bernie without you doing this to us.....Was like falling on deaf ears, he just couldn't get it. " we wont be with each other much I promise perhaps 2 or 3 times during the week " well fuck me they were like Siamese twins, every single minute of the day, even when we went to play golf on Weds with Rick, he was texting her all the way round even Rick said for frig sake put that bloody phone down you'll be back to the hotel in 4 hours, at least me and Rick won 20 Euros!

Was a kinda different boys holiday this year as you can work out, just wasn't the same. at least I didn't get 3 days in hospital on my return home ! Did the normal stuff, out every night, doing the clubs to see all the acts, Stardust was packed every night and full of women so if you're going that's the place to head to, they have cabaret acts on from 10 til 2.30 like Take That, Stylistics, oh and this year Shoe Waddywaddy! they were great! A great place to drink, enjoy and meet people. As normal the late evening venue to the early ours is cafe B ( Cafe Benidorm ) the ultimate knocking shop! And I ain't kidding, Never to be missed if you go to Benidorm. Almost guaranteed to pull! I met a few in there mostly Irish for some reason, now they are effing barking mad. oh and here's a great tip...When you're on the last night of your holiday and you pull a bird back to your place don't forget to tell her your shuttle is arriving at 6.45am as they get really pissed off when you kick them out at ten past six !! lol 

Boiling hot as normal compared to what was at home all that rain you had lol, and a lot bloody cheaper too, still mega cheap there, 2 bottles of Estrella 1 euro 50 ! Pint of San Miguel in most pubs 1.50, English breakfast 2 euro and there's a cool 24 hour restaurant down by the indoor market called Mariano's where the boys were stopping on the fall home at 5.00 am to get roasted chicken and chips!  ( me being a veggie it was slices of Pizza!)

Everything is looking good in the static caravan, settled in nicely, its like being on a constant holiday! Need to get some new work in as its all a bit slow at the moment and the old bank balance is going down. Got some great ideas so looking forward to working hard over the next few months

I will finally and I mean it put up some pic's!! got some nice ones of hols, new bike, car etc



18th Dec 2012

After a severe slagging off by everybody (lol) and a lot or procrastination I have finally got my fingers on the keyboard. I do apologise, I know people read the blog and like to keep up with my life, but its been difficult to get the urge to write ( or lazy-ness ) but I'm in here now !

 So..Where do I start...after reading through my June post  here's a couple of things..  The new porker is a dream, its the 3.0 ltr S2 a totally different car from the others, its  a real mans car although Lordy thinks the colour is gay!( everybody else loves it..I think ) it's got the beefed up turbo suspension and brakes, well put it this way ..a ball joint on the the old porker was £25.00. A ball joint on the new S2 is £225 !! Lets hope they don't fail ! The other day I took it down to Porsche to find out what this funny noise was coming from my gearbox ( hey not for them to fix it just to find out ! ) and they were like wow, never seen a 944 in this colour in fact they did not even know what colour it was " ..Cyclamen " I replied, well that's the best 944 we have seen for ages!  ( up yours Lordy )They were even more amazed when I told them a guy mailed me recently after seeing some pic's online to say he used to own the car in 1993, he paid £22,500 for it and it had the number plate 1 Len ( how fucking cool is that !! ) anyway he sold it a few years later and now its in my arms.

To try and make a few quid while work has been quite I thought I would buy and sell a few cars ( tell me about it ), would like to do a few motor homes to be honest so I can use them as well but parking here is a real shit, if I can find storage cheap will be great but in London man its expensive ..Anyway I used to work in this game many many years ago, so off I go and buy my first car, now most people would by a nice Mondeo or a Fiesta or an Astra... Nope not me, what do I do? I buy a .....Porsche 911 Targa ! Yep an old classic from 1986, had to take the train all the way to Devon to pick it up and then drive 6 hours back! I must say its like sitting in an armchair at 100mph the suspension and steering even after 26 years is the nuts. Bought if off a guy on Ebay who at first appearance seemed genuine but when I gave the motor a good check over late at my place turned out to be a lying shit. Suffice to say I've had to spend a few quid but I still think there's a nice profit in it when it sells plus these things go up in time not down. Spend 500 on the brakes , 120 on paint, 500 on the windows ( elec motors ) bit of tracking a good valet but it now drives and looks the bollocks. I've got it up on auto trader and eBay lets see how it goes

Talking of money! My oldest has just started uni in Birmingham, and I'm contributing to the cost get ready £400 a month!! Fucking 400 a month its like having a mortgage! Blimey I could buy a brand new Yamaha over the next 3 years for that, but your kids are your kids and my Lyds is a super bright intelligent wonderful girl. Lovely Uni, went up there to see her, nice campus lovely digs, only 2.75 years to go!  Actually while I was up there I nipped into see Penny ( you must remember the lovely Penny from Benidorm ) just up the road in Sheffield was nice to see her again , went out for a few drinks and a meal but ...oy oy oy nothing else if you don't mind, was just a friendship visit, and I think we both know the distance is simply going to be an issue but there is a mutual likeness between us. Now after a lovely evening and next morning coming back down the M1  (near Luton)  I thought blimey the porker is sounding  very throaty, got off at the M25 and the back box had blown up ! 220bhp going through a straight pipe lol !

Now talking of Benidorm  I've been back !!! Here's what's happened. On one of the monthly Weds golf society meetings a few of the lads said ".. hey Taff, come along with us to Spain for golf, were having 4 nights in Benidorm and 7 nights in Villamartin doing golf and stuff "  boys.. I'm with that!. so before I new it the 17th October had come around and airport bound I was meeting the lads. A few I already new and the others became new friends instantly. Was the usual crazy looney time in Benidorm and I have massive respect for all my new friends, The boys nicknamed me " The Machine " lol and as they were Benidorm virgins. It was my responsibility to show them around, so after walking from our hotel and down cardiac hill ( true that's what they call it , going up you feel like you are having a hard attack, now wonder it was effing cheap ) I took them to the normal places .black chicken, stardust, zodiac, morgan's tavern, a bit of sticky vicky and a few more. Going back to the respect thing, I must say this, and even though some were late 50's and 60's not one ditched out early to go to bed. all in cafe b at 4 am plus in fact I was the worst for wear out of all of them, at one point they said the found me slumped in the corner of the club, boots off, massaging my toes lol !. Nice time had by all, had excellent food in the Palm Beach,Hotel and one of the guys went all inclusive so we made him go up all the time and get 8 pints of lager showing his wrist band ( some Spanish waiters are really that dumb ) lol .

Managed to see me good mate Rick who has always worked at the Picasso apartments where I normally stay, but on this occasion he's quit and had enough. now working at the Yorkshire pride III he arranges a cool 4 ball game of golf for me Eric and Llewelyn , was great to see him again but the bastard took 5 euro off me! My partner Llewelyn was the pants ( and you know you was mate ). Funniest point ..Golf balls in Spain are very expensive so if you see some lost and can find them its a bonus, Rick and Llewelyn are very similar guys ! More on Lew later but lets just say Rick fell into the quarry trying to rescue a £2 titelist lol

After 4 days we headed to Benidorm airport to pick up our hire cars to drive to Villamartin ( god I was in a terrible state, I was in KFC with Lew his lovely new bird he met called Mel and her mate and I could barely pick up a coke without shaking it to bits !!  ) and anyway back to the story guess what who's in the airport ..LORDY !! He's turned up for the golfing week ( and he was under orders not to come to Benidorm where he could be influenced by the Taff machine ! ) So clubs in cars we head off to Villamartin. I'm sharing up with Eric  and Lew ( Lordy needs an apartment to himself of course ! ) and its a great crack. Up the road is the villa martin plaza full of bars and restaurants and we have a great crack every night, including a bit of karaoke. last night of the week I managed to pull this Finnish bird in the karaoke bar. nice bit of stuff she was too, blonde with everything in the right places, but she couldn't speak a word of English it was funny, in fact really very funny  !! The boys will tell you! Anyway I did mange to win one of the golf days at least but all of us were well worse for wear every day ! Lordy won nothing and went home a day early! lol , Oh and back to Llewelyn (the king of finding golf balls )..He fell in a quary as well! You should have seen the state on him! It aint worth it boys just for a golf ball !!

 Update on current living circumstances:  My caravan is  doing great, it really is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Yes living in a motorhome for a year was a good decision to , but this is the nuts. Its like having your own luxury detached flat, in the middle of the country, well that's how I describe it! Ive now managed to get it all kitted out macho man style. Got the 42" big tv of course and now got a 32 incher in the bedroom along with a Samsung blue ray player in each room that can play all of your movies and music from any external hard drive ( 50 quid in a sale at Tesco bargain ). Got full on sky as well, not sure if I have mentioned this but a mate of mine does sky card sharing so I get all the sky, F1, sports, movies ,history, xxx blah blah blah the lot and its £12 a month, ultra bargain. Got lovely neighbours Suzie and John, who do 5 months in Spain and the rest here, in fact as I write they have already gone back to Spain for winter. Got Eddie 2 doors down, he's one of the Benidorm lads that I have been away with over the last couple of years that's right he's come back from Beni in June and thought fuck this I've had 30 years of marriage I'm seriously unhappy I have to make a decision in life an low behold he parts company with her and buys a caravan 2 doors down!! I'm starting a trend here! His misses wasn't pleased with it, and gave me a right volley of filth coz  put him up for a week while he left her. Now..  guess who else is on the bloody site Milky and his bird! yep he sold his flat and bought a van about 100 yards away, I see less of him now even though he lives 100 yards away than when he lived 4 miles away! In fact we don't really interact at all, he's all loved up, no more golf no nights out nothing, but he's still my mate and I wish him and Debs all the very best of course. I have some other things done to my new mansion, I've made some nice 3 x 4 metre decking directly behind the van, put a small shed on there and my patio table and chairs, gonna be real lovely in the spring  /summer ( I was gonna put a hot tub ( true ) but chickened out ! Thought the birds would love it lol ) also had a nice path put in that runs done the side of the van and along the bottom, was a bit grassy and muddy before this, and was carrying a lot of stuff into the van plus now I can keep my Yamaha Thundercat safely behind the van and all covered up. running costs have been excellent, only used one 47kg gas bottle since I have been here and the the first electric bill was £62 so all rosie!

I also decided to add a little furry ness to my life and so I bought a giant rabbit! True lovely black continental giant called her Jessica! only 12 weeks and already a big girl. Was so much fun, so tame, and a joy to have hoping around! ( notice I am writing in the past tense here) anyway..She was the ideal companion but a bit of an escape artist!. Now me being a bit thick I thought of an ideal solution to  exercise her! Put a cat flap in the bottom of the spare room which she was living in so she could come and go as she pleased and run around the bottom of the van which was boarded off. Forgetting that rabbits dig lol I get a call one day while I'm in Wales " your rabbit is running around the park!! and we can't catch her! " I get back on the Sunday with Dee and there she is back in the van all knackered out! Such a character, unfortunately while getting my bike loaded up for the BMF show I put her outside in the pen for a last minute run around come out tem min's later gone !! Not seen her since hash tag  # gutted!!

Lordy and I joined the local motorbike club, all mature men in full leather gear its very sad and funny. Its like something out of Police Academy where they go into the Blue Oyster Bar! Went to the BMF show in Peterborough camping for the weekend with the club and it was excellent, tons of stands to spend all me money on and loads of events. Had a great time with a new mate Ian who was a right laugh, some where right boring old buggers though. Best part of the weekend Saturday night headlining in the music hall Dr and The Medics! Brilliant they where.

 Went down to Wales to see my folks and to see a great band from Caerleon  called Innovence only young kids but very talented. They had an album launch in the town hall, was really great and Michelle came over for a few hours to see me, nothing happened but it was nice to see her again, in fact later that evening I met a nice blonde Called Dee, who said she had never been to London " well nows your chance love come with me tomorrow  and you can go home on the train Monday as its bank holiday " so that's what she did. Funny when you tell people you live in a caravan its a similar response to the motorhome , they tend to vision a little 2 wheel 2 berth job they are well shocked when they get here and see my 35 footer! Like being on holiday they say. Anyway was nice to have a visitor and I gave her a blast out on the back of the Yamaha!

I've been doing a bit of karaoke disco work lately in the pub at the top of the road, the guy who normally does the dj stuff Martin is a bit busy during the Dec period so I've stepped in. Really enjoyed it and the money is well good. 4 hours work for a 100 quid. In fact I'm doing new years eve as well in the same pub, couldn't turn it down as its much more money and its money I need for my Benidorm trip in Feb.The park closes here for 1 month a year and that's Feb. This is a non residential park, hence no council tax, water rates tv license etc, so in Feb it shuts big time no access whatsoever. As I'm pretty much free to work from where ever I've  booked 26 nights at the Picasso apartments, inc all the flights and everything its £523, super cheap ! On top of this I can get a game of golf with Rick no doubt and Eddie is also coming as well for 11 nights ( remember Eddie he's the one that left his wife after Junes Benidorm trip and now lives 2 caravans down from me ) so all in all should be a right crack, no doubt because its February I will probably be the youngest person there ! lol

So that's about all that's happening, I'm finishing this off while watching Jurassic Park on Christmas day, saw my kids this morning went to the pub, made myself a Christmas dinner and fell asleep. Another Christmas alone but I'm not that bothered.

Hope all is well with everybody and I wish you a great motorhoming, caravanning, camping 2013 !

    My 2013 Diary is Here